I just read an article about a girl who killed herself and then the boyfriend (of 12 years) killed himself a few days later. He left a short note on the back of his business card that said "i can't live without (her)".
And while this is very romeo-and-juliet with that morbid romantic taste to it...i can't help but think...will i ever find a guy that will love me that much? but further...will i ever find a guy brave enough to act like he loves me that much?

seriously. i'm even taking applications from hot chicks! *laugh*

1. YOUR SPY NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Bryana Rivers

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy)
Phyllis Skittles (haha)

3. YOUR RAP NAME: (first initial of first name, first three or four letters of your last name)
T Ben

4. YOUR GAMER TAG: (a favorite color, a favorite animal)
green monkey

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Bryana Kodiak

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Ben Ser Kar

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)
anayrb resyek

8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet's name, the street you grew up on)
Brandy Iowa

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your dad drives)
The Green Hummer

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of a main character in the last movie you watched, last food you ate)
Derek Chicken

1. You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first, last, and middle name.
remedie jane

2. You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead.
scarlette johansen and colin ferrell

3. You are in charge of naming your new band. What's the name of the band? karma

4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What is it and where do you want it? inside left wrist - 'zoe sofia' in greek

5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it? "american woman" by lenny cravitz

6. You are leaving your state/province. What state do you move to? oregon

7. You are leaving your country, where would you move to? greece

8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose? "summer sisters" by judy bloome

9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made. What movie do you choose? "forrest gump"

10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?
a pheonix, a butterfly, and a tiger? *laugh*
11. You must relive one year of your life. Which would you like to relive? 20

12. Which would you least like to relive? 14

13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit? the 70's (duh)

14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving. holy shit...if i ever had the balls - skydiving.

15. You get to return to the past and have a sexual encounter with a rock star who is no longer alive. Who do you pick?
jimi hendrix

16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on? the dating game! *laugh*

17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose? unicef

18. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban? gay

19. You can have 100 million dollars tax free but if you take it, you'll die at the age of fifty. nope. i'd rather live.

*yay* it's fixed.
my pics are now viewable on that entry...

lalala...

*augh* i just spent a significant amount of time trying to get these damn pictures to post...no such luck. *frown*
welp. if my site ever works, then you'll be able to see them. until then...it's empty behind the cut. *shrug* sorry.

so...
i now live in NC. what can i say? i'm a nomad. *heh*
but i think we'll be here for a while. maybe not in this same apartment, but definately in NC for a bit. i'm hopefully going to finish school here. *fingerscrossed*
it's a nice place, too. small two bedroom, but just the right size for now. once we get used to each other again, i think we'll need more space, but hopefully not until after he gets back from another deployment.
for now, it's cloud nine and easy as pie...*smile*

life's not all peachy...i'm now unemployed, and i can't figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid at school...*augh* so i dunno if i'll be able to go this summer. i don't know if i'm even going to look for work. we're still debating the pros and cons of me being the stay-at-home mom for a while...*eek* i dunno how i feel about that yet...

anyway. while i'm trying to upload pics to my photoblog, here are a few...
i'm considering posting more in a bit...*shrug* we'll see where my whimsical day takes me.

( zoe sofia )

ugh.
i really need a place where i can vent my secrets and frustrations about motherhood. seriously.
i have a 'mommy blog', but it's for my family to keep up with zoë, so i can't talk about anything on there, you know?
and myspace is being watched by the feds...*laugh* it's a conspiracy i tell you!! so i can't talk about ANYTHING over there...i would just delete the damn thing, except that i've been keeping in touch with people i don't keep in touch with any where else.
that tom character is making a damn fortune off of people like me. you know myspace got more hits in 2005 than google?!! can' you believe that? yeah, so you can imagine what they're selling their adspace for. *whew* $$$$

anyway. i need a vent-ing place. any moms got any ideas?? and wanna join?! *smile*

so i was catching up on my livejournal "peeps". *smile*
becci, CONGRATULATIONS. i'm sure you're not super stoked about it, but like you said - green is better than no green. so...at least you can buy yourself some smokes now!! *smile*

okay. so to the point since i really need to get some shuteye.

steve david, and his wife ashleigh, yeah. i know them. i used to be friends and chill with ashleigh when she worked at brewers and i worked at gooccis. well, i just started working at gooccis (one weekend/mo) again. my first weekend back was last weekend. and steve was working with me. i totally didn't know he worked at the gooch now, but when i was working with him, i forgot that i knew he'd made it to hollywood, too. so i didn't talk to him about it...but i do know (FYI) that he got cut while he was out there. *frown* i know that sucks cause he was DAMN good!!! but yeah. he's back now. he was on the news tonight and so was ashleigh...
she would never be mad about him picking up paula abdul. she's really cool...and she said on the news tonight that paula kissed her cheek, too. so...*shrug* she's fine. *laugh*

anyway. i saw some people mentioning it, so i thought i'd let you all know - he didn't make it to the top ten. *frown*

woh. what a roller coaster this past year has been...
as i sit in north carolina, enjoying zoe's company and revelling in her smile as often as i can, i thought of all of you, and how often i've read your entries in the past year. something about reading someone's daily happenings is comforting...and although i hardly find time to post, i think of all of you often. *smile*
anyway. i can't update my photoblog at the moment (something about locking me out for the next 12 hours for forgetting my password...bastards) so i thought i'd leave a little something in your stocking. *laugh*

happy 2006 to everyone...hope we can all find time to enjoy the ride...


( something in your stocking )

woh. long time no type. *heh*
just wanted to post this little diddy...
check out my cutie-pie! *grin*

http://www.flickr.com/photos/urbanmomma

ready...go.

photo album

zoe sofia ferriol
august 18
12:14am
7lbs 7ozs
20.5 in.
3.5 hours of labor
NO EPIDURAL!! *whew* not doing that again ANY time soon!! *laugh*

we stayed at the hospital one night longer than we wanted due to zoe having slight jaundice, but no worries. we're home now...she's adjusted well to her new world, but still loves sleeping on mommy and daddy...


she'll sleep in any position!


daddy is so in love...


the rare picture of mommy. (there's a reason it's in black and white!)


she was born with her hand in this position, and it seems to be a favorite sleeping position...


i told ya, she'll sleep in any position!

i'm hoping this is the last picture i'll have to take to document my journey through the beginning of parent-hood! *sigh* i wish i knew exactly when it would all be over...maybe it would be more bearable!

( last picture )

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks "Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a milliona times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place?"

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
and though it's red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart
when all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

and though she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
Though she knows well he doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her "HE" might

She says, "I pray
Oh, but my prayers they all fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place??"

Oh there's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
felt like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

-"grey street" by dave matthews band
(on the third cd of the "live in central park" mix)

You get these
Ideas in your head
Of what you think I’m about
Then you hold onto them
Like they’re all truths
But the truth is
You don’t know
The difference
Between what’s true
And what is just
An idea
In your head
Because you
Don’t
Listen.
-tbb
24 july 05


(just a little something i typed up in the past few minutes...forgive the 'raw-ness')

leave it to jack johnson to say it SO perfectly...
and i just watched him perform live on SNL. he's hot! i didn't realize...*whistles*

and just FYI - this is on his newest album.


"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"

Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, fool
~jack johnson

love me or
leave me
just
see me
for who i am
and who i want to be
sometimes for you.

realize the
reality of
things we cannot change.
we can only work
together
-or apart-
towards the happiness
we both desire
so deeply
why not together?

love me or
leave me
just
see me
for who i am.

-tbb
20 july 05

i have re-discovered the internet radio...*sigh* and i'm in heaven.
god, how i've missed radio music.
and all these songs...the ones i know anyway, i link with a memory of when i used to hear that song all the time...i *love* that feeling...

and so, for the first time in a REALLY long time, i actually laughed out loud, sang, and danced. all by myself here in my loft. *laugh* and it's SO liberating. i highly recommend it to anyone!

my little zoe's gonna come out dancing and singing if i keep this up! *hehe*

i recently read (in one of those nyc blogs i was talking about) that in a relationship, one person always loves the other one more. *shrug* that's just the way things are. it just isn't possible that they love each other with the exact same intensity, you know?
and so this 'blog' was talking about how she wished she could just come right out and ask the other person "what exactly do i mean to you?" that way she could make an informed decision, of sorts, about what to do with her situation. *heh*

this concept has been in the back of my mind for the past few days (since i read it). i mean, why not? why does it make me seem insecure to just ask "what, and how much, exactly, do i mean to you?" because i don't like feeling like i'm wasting my time...and i don't like feeling foolish enough to stay in a relationship where i'm not getting the equivalent of what i'm giving.

so yeah. *heh* that's a peek at one of my random thoughts.
dinner is almost ready, and i've been neglecting the preparation of it. (it's burnt already! *laugh*)

omigod. if this doesn't happen sometime SOON...she might just fall out! *laugh*
i'm almost 35 weeks. this was taken yesterday.